....I don't want to talk about it

So it’s come to this.

I am going to complain about Twilight.

I feel so dirty.

It took a sudden epiphany to sink this low. I didn’t really love/hate the book as much as the internet seems to think I should. It was good for what it was, which was a dime store romance novel that got a little too big for its boots. I happen to like certain romance novels when I’m in the right mood, so whatever. It was a good junk food read.

Now, If I were Gareth, I would spend the next few pages ranting about how people blow the whole thing out of proportion and that there are more important things to argue about than whether or not a mediocre vampire story sucked or not. I’m not going to do that, and not just because of the pun.

I’m not even going to complain about the little things that were annoying about the books, like the unhealthy relationships, or the fact that Bella choose the asshole instead of the sungod, or even the fact that her favorite book was Withering Heights, a story that I can’t stand.

This is what they make you read in Hell

I can live with all that. That’s all part of the story. Edward sparkles? Fine, sure. It’s different and creative way to explain the sun aversion.

No, what finally prompted me to start complaining was the sudden realization (yes, the definition of epiphany, which everyone knows now because the Simpsons ruined it for us smart people) of exactly why I didn’t care much for the series.

Bella never faces the consequences for her actions. There, simple as that. Think about the final book for a moment. First the big one: She gets pregnant. She gets pregnant and only spends about three days throwing up, a phenomenon that usually lasts weeks, sometimes months. Heck, Gareth’s mom had morning sickness up until she went into labor with him. Then, because Edward’s maaaahgic, what normally takes almost a year happens in a month; so no walking around feeling like a blimp, no embarrassing mornings where you look fat in everything, no maternity tops in public, and no swollen feet. She didn’t even get any stretch marks or varicose veins as far as I can tell. 

Bella got to spend a month in bed and had a few weird cravings and then she was done. Do you know how many pregnant women would kill a puppy for that?

So she had a rough birth, boo hoo. Gareth’s mom had two C-sections, both with insufficient anesthesia and both while suffering with fibromyalgia. Suck it up, Bella.

….I’m using Gareth’s Mom as an anti-MarySue, aren’t I? Sorry Gareth’s Mom.

Anyways, so the baby is born. Honestly, this is what I was expecting.

And wouldn’t that have been a great ending? Stephanie Meyer didn’t give a damn, she was already a millionaire. That would have been a hilarious little twist. But alas, it was not to be.

Right, so, baby. It’s a baby for, like, what, a week? Because it’s maaaahgic. And Bella sleeps through it. So, no dirty diapers, no colic, no baby barf, she didn’t even have to nurse the little monster. Again, no consequences there.

But she’s a vampire now, right? Awesome as that can be, there are certain repercussions. Like killing humans and never seeing your family again. Except Bella avoids those things, side-stepping them with a grace that the character never had. That intoxicating, impossible-to-resist draw of human blood that the story has been going on and on about? Not for Bella, because she doesn’t want to. And as for her family, her dad conveniently puts on blinders the size of Cincinnati, plugs his ears and sings “LALALALA” at the top of his lungs. So she doesn’t have to lose him.

That just leaves Jacob, who was arguably the best character until he transformed into an angst-ridden loup-garou. Even after that, he was still pretty cool. Bella may have a slave-like husband, an attractive, even-tempered kid, money, looks, immortality, and her parent and in-laws get along, but at least she can have some guilt, right? She broke that kid’s heart; that’s something she has to live with. That’s something we’ve all gone through.

Except no - because Jacob finds his true love and forgives Bella.

And everyone lives happily ever after.

The end.

You know what? Disney should have turned this into one of their cartoons. The story is perfect for their feel-good-no-repercussions little color dramas. And then we wouldn’t have had to see Robert Pattinson's naked chest.

I’m not even going to put a picture of that up. It was that disturbing.

There. I’m done. Let us never speak of this again. I may not even post this, unless I am completely out of material. The internet has enough Twilight rants on it.

Edit: Wow, look at that. Collage classes keep me from writing and this is going up. Please don't hate me.