Graduation

I didn’t want to go to my High School Graduation. As far as I could tell, there wasn’t much of a point. I had been taking a lot of college classes that semester, and as far as I was concerned, I had already left high school far behind me. The ceremony seemed like it would be a lot of pointless standing around, and I didn’t need it for closure or anything.

And, I mean, it was a charter school. A small one. We’re talking a graduating class of twelve people here. Twelve people that I didn’t even know.

Who are you people?!?

So, ditch it, right? I knew other charter school students who had ditched their high school graduation. It was no big deal.

Apparently I was wrong.

My mom hit the roof when I told her of my intentions. I didn’t want to go, it wasn’t a big deal, there were only twelve graduates anyway, it’s gonna be at the grange for crying out loud, I don’t want to. But my mom wanted me to want to, it is so a big deal! It just is! You have to go, rite of passage, it is a big deal shut up and eat your broccoli.

EAT IT

 And so the months of arguing commenced. And then hey, look at that, they made me valedictorian. I am to this day convinced that my teachers only made me valedictorian so that I’d stop trying to ditch. No, that’s not entirely true, there was one other person in the running for it. Want to know how she got out of it? She got pregnant.

Why didn’t I think of that!

So now I definitely had to go, and everyone was oh so proud of me, and the world was filled with rainbow sugar and ice-cream!

Yippee!

I hate it when people praise me for something that was very, very easy. Oh my, I got marginally better grades than twelve other people!  How did I ever manage that when half of them were delinquents, a quarter of them were distracted by getting pregnant, and the three other smart kids weren’t taking as many college classes as me?

How?

Okay…that was a lot of sarcasm there. Ahem. Yes, as I was saying. Make a big deal about it when I put actual effort into something. I lucked out in the gene pool and am able to do well in school. Praise me after I spend five hours drawing or writing something that shows drastic improvement of my technique. Don’t praise me for something that I barely noticed doing. If I didn’t work for it, I don’t want it.

                                   Oh my gosh! YOU’RE BREATHING!!!! You’re amazing!        

Digressions aside, I finally caved and said I’d go to the stupid graduation. And I would wear purple goggles. Because purple goggles, that’s why. Besides, they matched the graduation gown.

And so that prompted even more weeks of argument. Even though I had cleared it with the principal, for some reason my parents got very hung up on the purple goggles. I finally abandoned the plan when my mom pulled out the whole “Fine, do whatever you want, I don’t care.” Now, that may sound like a victory. Do not be fooled. That is the set-up for a lifetime of awkward, estranged Christmas visits. So the goggles were abandoned. Funny thing is, even though I had promised my mom that I wouldn’t wear them, she kept bringing them up. Every time we talked about graduation, she always asked “You’re not going to wear those goggles, are you?” She either didn’t believe or forgot. I may never know.

So graduation day approached, and there was so much I wanted to do. It could have been awesome. The plots were as minimal as having my friends stand behind me during the speech holding cue cards that said things like “applause” and “panic” to having them burst in dressed like voodoo witchdoctors, point to me, declare that I was now an adult, swarm, and remove me from the hall, all the while laughing maniacally. So many plans….. but I didn’t do them. Want to know why?

Because I love my mom, that’s why.

I love you enough to not ruin an elaborately planned social event!

This whole thing was obviously important to her, even if I didn’t care. So really, shutting up and taking it was the only thing I could’ve done.

…Okay, I did do one thing, but I made sure it was okay with my mother and the school principal first. Here is the beginning of my valedictorian speech.

Attention mortals! We have infiltrated the governments of this planet and taken hold of all your military bases. You are at our mercy, and I am here to prepare you for your future as the slave race of the glorious Xarcov Empire, I…. (look up, notice audience)

Um, (cough). Wrong speech, different date. Hold on a sec….. (paper shuffle) ….mass disintegrations will commence….brain transplantation…..clones already in place…all your base are belong to us…. (clear throat)

Okay.

Attention mortals! Today is our high school graduation. Today we have passed a milestone in our lives……

Blah, blah, achievements, blah, blah. It’s pretty normal after that. Yes, I am pretty weird. Not everyone threatens to enslave humanity in their valedictorian speech. But that’s okay; things are more fun when you’re weird.

That, and the un-weird are the first to go once the armada gets here.