I Hate Hollywood, Part 2

There are a lot of reasons to hate Hollywood, and not just because it is home to the most evil thing in the history of entertainment.

One good reason I have to hate Hollywood with the fiery burning passion of a million George Foreman Grills is because of what they do to one of my favorite fictional gentlemen. Over and over. In fact, I have yet to come across an instance where Hollywood hasn’t made him the bad guy.

No, not Billy Drago. Shut up.

You guys all know about Hades, right? Greek god of the Underworld? Yeah, he’s not the devil. No, really, he’s not the devil.

Why are you on fire? YOU’RE AN EARTH GOD

For some reason, Hollywood has some weird, almost fanatical desire to Christianize everything that falls into its cold dead hands.

The world, as seen by Hollywood

Now, I grew up reading Greek Mythology. Let me tell you a little about Hades. Hades is the god who presides over the afterlife, called the Underworld because it is located beneath the surface of the earth. The Underworld is a large place, and consists of the Elysian Islands, Asphodel Fields, and Tartarus. Or, to put it into more understandable terms, Hades looks after Heaven, Limbo and Hell.

Now, every mortal goes to the Underworld, there is no alternative. So really, depicting the entire Underworld as a fiery pit of despair means that you’re pretty much saying that, good or bad, everyone’s gonna burn for all eternity.

Bummer

But back to Hades. The other names he goes by include The Wealthy One, as he is the god of wealth, and the Unseen One, as he has a magic helmet that turns him invisible.

Like this, only not wielded by a scrawny, hormonal prick.

Actually, compared to the other Gods, Hades was downright saintly. He never cheated on his wife, he never murdered anyone out of petty jealousy, he never banned anyone from eternal rest, and he even let Hercules borrow his pet for crying out loud.

I always liked Hades, especially during that dark period everyone seems to go through while in the vicious grasp of puberty. He was such a gloomy, tragic fellow. It’s quite a shock to see him depicted as a demonic, evil bastard. I mean, how would you like it if one of your childhood heroes had their reputation mutilated right in front of you?

That’d be like…like making Sherlock Holmes a pimp, or merging Spock with Cthulhu.

Wait….

Thanks a lot, internet

And it isn’t as if it’s an accident, either. Nooooo….they do this on purpose. Hollywood went so far as to rewrite the ending of The Lightning Thief to make Hades the bad guy.

See this?

If you haven’t read this, stop here, because things are about to get spoiler-y

This actually had a great, twist ending where we find out that Hades is not the bad guy, as we have been lead to believe, but Cronos! Who, considering that in the original stories, he’s the one who ate his own children, makes a better bad guy anyways. 

Not exactly father of the year

So I said, “Hey, good for you book, it’s nice to see that you understand that Hades is not evil. Well done!”

Then I watched the movie.

Hades was the bad guy.

Pfffffff

The entire thing was riddled with little, forgivable mistakes. Medusa is supposed to be a monster, she’s not beautiful, Annabeth wasn’t supposed to have cookie cutter personality, and I don’t remember Grover being black. Whatever.

Then they got to Tartarus and everything fell apart.

Say it with me now…..

HADES…

IS NOT…

THE DEVIL!!!!!!!!!

I Hate Hollywood, Part 1

I don’t mean for this to be a blog exclusively about movies. In fact, I’d rather not have this be a blog exclusively about movies because I do want to talk about other stuff at some point. That being the case, I realize that this is going to be the third post in a row that I have written that has been in some way related to movies. That and I have yet to post anything that hasn’t been related to movies in some way. Furthermore, I am planning future posts that have to do with movies.

But this blog is not about movies.

So there.

That being said, let’s go ahead and talk about movies.

You know how when you watch a movie, there is always that one guy who is mumbling about how the movie is wrong? About how that is historically inaccurate or about how in the book it was done this way? Yeah, that’s me. I’m sorry; I can’t seem to help myself. That’s one of the reasons why I don’t watch movies in the theater anymore.

Well, that and since everyone but me seems to have destroyed their hearing by going to concerts, the theater turns the volume up to a level that makes Quasimodo wince.

Turn it up please, I can’t hear.

I bet only a handful of people understood that Quasimodo reference. You want to know why? Hollywood. Well, specifically Disney, and I’ll admit they have their own private level in the circle of hell that Hollywood has reserved for itself.

Anyways, the only thing you need to know about Quasimodo is that he was deaf. Being exposed to loud noises, like large cathedral bells or your average heavy metal concert, makes you deaf. And Esmeralda was a stupid teenager…..and Phoebus was an asshole…. And Frollo wasn’t evil….and okay, if I go on like this, this entire post will be about Disney, and no one wants that.

No one.

But Disney isn’t the only one who screws with pre existing characters. All of Hollywood does it. For example:

Frankenstein’s Monster: A sensitive, intelligent, misunderstood soul; tragically shunned by humanity due to his unnatural birth and driven insane by his sorrow.

He was not a lumbering, green child. Oh, and he spoke in very elegant French.

Vas te faire encule, Hollywood

Malcolm from Jurassic Park? A quiet, logical guy. Not a rock star wannabe. Conan the Barbarian? A clever man with gymnast-like dexterity.  Hyde, of Jekyll and Hyde, was smaller than Jekyll, he wasn’t a hulking troll. Tarzan spoke perfect English, there wasn’t any of that “Me Tarzan, you Jane” crap.  Frodo, well, any fan of the Lord of the Rings books will tell you that the movie version was a whiney little bitch who would’ve gotten his ass kicked by the real Frodo.

And finally, Robin Hood? Yeah, he was a political terrorist. He didn’t give a damn about the poor. He rather liked the rich, actually. To be specific, he liked the rich Saxons. See, at the time, the Normans had taken control of England and were oppressing the Saxons, poor and rich. Robin Hood wasn’t robbing from the rich and giving to the poor. That makes him sound like a communist.

Not a communist

He was just taking back his property from the Norman oppressors. But then, I suppose a selfless, impossibly un-greedy man is a better role model for children than the murderous leader of a band of guerrilla freedom fighters.

Haha! I’m based on lies and bad writing!

But of course, Hollywood can’t mess up their own creations, right? Sure, they may get other people’s characters wrong, but a movie with its plot and characters completely in the grasp of Hollywood can’t possibly go astray. Right?

I’d like to draw your attention to Pirates of the Caribbean, Curse of the Black Pearl. There are a lot of things I could say about this movie, but I have chosen to point out a fact that many people probably haven’t noticed. Can anyone tell me what’s wrong with this picture?

 No? Look again.

That’s the wrong hammer.

You’d think a blacksmith would know what kind of hammer to use, huh? 

What the Hell am I doing?

Take that, Hollywood!

Horror Movie Romance Quiz

Hey, look at that, it’s almost Valentine’s day. Most of you probably have something romantic planned for your significant other. Good for you! I’m sure they’ll love it. Unless you’re planning on giving them one of your severed body parts. That’s just creepy.

It didn’t work for Van Gogh and it’s not going to work for you.

Or maybe, like me, you’re one of the people who don’t have a date for the upcoming Hallmark event. If so, you have two options. Well…. three, but I don’t want to encourage suicide.

Except for you. Please, do us all a favor.

Option one, accept that you will never find love and bury yourself in your work. Become rich yet horribly depressed. Years from now, decide that the money is worthless since it cannot buy you love. Instead of love, go buy a gun and….

Wait….no… that option leads to suicide. I really didn’t mean to mention suicide twice here. It just….sort of happened. Oops.

 Anyways, that only leaves us with one option: Find a date before it’s too late. But this is pretty last minute, which means the pickings are slim. But don’t worry, ladies, there are five desirable gentlemen who are available, and I have created a quiz to help you decide between them. For the guys…sorry, only men are available. But if that sounds good to you anyways, by all means, shove right on in.

Oh, and keep track of your answers, you will need them for the results. Tally Ho!

  

 

   You are….

                  A.    An intelligent scientist-like person

                  B.     A bit of a dreamer

                  C.     A hard worker

                  D.    A pretty young thing

                  E.     Having a bad hair day

 

What do you find sexy? 
A.    Big hands and feet

                       B.     A man in a fez

                       C.     Chest hair

                       D.    Experience

                       E.     Tallness

 

What kind of personality are you looking for?

                 A.    The quiet kind

                 B.     An intense one

                 C.     Someone tragic

                 D.    Charming

                 E.     An innocent

 

The most important thing is…

                 A.    Persistence

                 B.     Loyalty

                 C.     Kindness

                 D.    Romance

                 E.     Strength

 

What should their favorite hobby be?

                 A.    Swimming

                 B.     Reading

                 C.     Cross-Country Track

                 D.    Traveling

                 E.     Hiking

 

The most forgivable negative trait they could have?

                 A.    Potential stalker

                 B.     Control Freak

                 C.     Depressed

                 D.    Arrogant

                 E.     Temper Problem

The Perfect Date 
A.   A walk on the beach and frolicking in the water
B.     A nice, quiet evening at home watching movie
C.     Spending an evening at the carnival.
D.    Being whisked away to a private, romantic spot for a           night of passion
E.     An evening of classical music at the orchestra

 

You say…… 
A.    “I’d like someone to come in and sweep me off my feet.”
B.      “I want true love that lasts for life and beyond.”
C.      “I need someone sweet. Someone nice.”
D.     “I’m looking for a gentleman with old world manners.”
E.      “I like ‘em big and quiet.”

 

He’s brought you a gift! What is it? 
A.    Food! The best way a man can show affection is by              feeding you.
B.     Jewelry.
C.     His mere presence is a gift!
D.    A scarf to wrap around your lovely neck.
E.     Flowers.

 

So how should he be in bed?

                 A.    Wet

                 B.     He’s into bondage

                 C.     Woof!

                 D.    He’s a biter

                 E.     He goes to pieces afterward

Now before we get to the answers, I would just like to say, screw Photoshop and Microsoft Word for making this so much more difficult than it needed to be. The formatting that you’re about to see in the answer sheet? Yeah, that took forever and was a lot harder to do than you’d think. But I will not let my inadequate programs (or program skills as the case may be) keep you from your true match! And now, without further ado…..!

Now off with you! Good luck and keep those condoms handy!

  Especially with Dracula. God only knows where he’s been.