Level 42: I Hate Hollywood, Part 1

I don’t mean for this to be a blog exclusively about movies. In fact, I’d rather not have this be a blog exclusively about movies because I do want to talk about other stuff at some point. That being the case, I realize that this is going to be the third post in a row that I have written that has been in some way related to movies. That and I have yet to post anything that hasn’t been related to movies in some way. Furthermore, I am planning future posts that have to do with movies.

But this blog is not about movies.

So there.

That being said, let’s go ahead and talk about movies.

You know how when you watch a movie, there is always that one guy who is mumbling about how the movie is wrong? About how that is historically inaccurate or about how in the book it was done this way? Yeah, that’s me. I’m sorry; I can’t seem to help myself. That’s one of the reasons why I don’t watch movies in the theater anymore.

Well, that and since everyone but me seems to have destroyed their hearing by going to concerts, the theater turns the volume up to a level that makes Quasimodo wince.

Turn it up please, I can’t hear.

I bet only a handful of people understood that Quasimodo reference. You want to know why? Hollywood. Well, specifically Disney, and I’ll admit they have their own private level in the circle of hell that Hollywood has reserved for itself.

Anyways, the only thing you need to know about Quasimodo is that he was deaf. Being exposed to loud noises, like large cathedral bells or your average heavy metal concert, makes you deaf. And Esmeralda was a stupid teenager…..and Phoebus was an asshole…. And Frollo wasn’t evil….and okay, if I go on like this, this entire post will be about Disney, and no one wants that.

No one.

But Disney isn’t the only one who screws with pre existing characters. All of Hollywood does it. For example:

Frankenstein’s Monster: A sensitive, intelligent, misunderstood soul; tragically shunned by humanity due to his unnatural birth and driven insane by his sorrow.

He was not a lumbering, green child. Oh, and he spoke in very elegant French.

Vas te faire encule, Hollywood

Malcolm from Jurassic Park? A quiet, logical guy. Not a rock star wannabe. Conan the Barbarian? A clever man with gymnast-like dexterity. Hyde, of Jekyll and Hyde, was smaller than Jekyll, he wasn’t a hulking troll. Tarzan spoke perfect English, there wasn’t any of that “Me Tarzan, you Jane” crap. Frodo, well, any fan of the Lord of the Rings books will tell you that the movie version was a whiney little bitch who would’ve gotten his ass kicked by the real Frodo.

And finally, Robin Hood? Yeah, he was a political terrorist. He didn’t give a damn about the poor. He rather liked the rich, actually. To be specific, he liked the rich Saxons. See, at the time, the Normans had taken control of England and were oppressing the Saxons, poor and rich. Robin Hood wasn’t robbing from the rich and giving to the poor. That makes him sound like a communist.

Not a communist

He was just taking back his property from the Norman oppressors. But then, I suppose a selfless, impossibly un-greedy man is a better role model for children than the murderous leader of a band of guerrilla freedom fighters.

Haha! I’m based on lies and bad writing!

But of course, Hollywood can’t mess up their own creations, right? Sure, they may get other people’s characters wrong, but a movie with its plot and characters completely in the grasp of Hollywood can’t possibly go astray. Right?

I’d like to draw your attention to Pirates of the Caribbean, Curse of the Black Pearl. There are a lot of things I could say about this movie, but I have chosen to point out a fact that many people probably haven’t noticed. Can anyone tell me what’s wrong with this picture?